It has been over 3 years since I wrote this post. It was for my other blog. I have moved it here. Over three years and yet some days I really wonder what their personalities would have been like. Would they have had dark hair like my first 3? or blond like my last two? Would they have been quiet? God only knows but I miss them.
Grief never ends… but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…It is the price of love.
This is not an easy post to write. I am more of a quiet person when it comes to feelings. It is hard for me to share what I am truly thinking or feeling and so I keep it all bottled up inside. But, when others are hurting I tend to try and reach out and be of some use and help. It’s how I show I love and care.
Back in July and August I experienced something outside my little safety bubble I had created. I had back to back miscarriages. I could deal with one well enough but two was just very very hard emotionally. As you may have guessed, when I was going through it all it was more hush hush, keep it inside and not let anyone know I was actually heart broken by this. I had tried hard not to get pregnant in the first place and then to be pregnant and going through the loss was difficult. I felt guilty, I was frustrated, I mean if I was going to get pregnant why rip it from me and make this harder? My emotions were all over the place. I felt like even though I had put so much work into becoming more healthy and more in shape physically, my body was rebelling. And then, when I found comfort in my dear one I had to go through it all over again.
It was my second miscarriage that I had to really work through spiritually, emotionally and physically. I truly didn’t know what to do or say anymore. I began to question my purpose. Was this to strengthen me spiritually? Did it really take 2 deaths in my womb to teach me that? I flipped-flopped between being upset at myself for not even wanting to be pregnant in the first place to being upset that I would never get to see my baby’s face to flipping once again knowing that all things work together for the good of those who serve Him to wondering my God, why have you forsaken me?
They say, “Time heals all wounds.” This was certainly the case for me, life moved on, I still had four precious children that needed my love, affection, and attention that I could pour myself out into. I had a husband that was going through a rough time and my attention was on that. I know some are thinking “What about you? When did you get some time? How did you take care of yourself?” I did what I do best, focus on something else. I spent many evenings taking a hot shower and crying. I wrote ramblings in my journal that will only ever make sense to me and I prayed. I did talk to someone. I talked to the Giver of life. I talked to the One that could heal me. I probably had more Starbucks coffee than was good for my budget. I had a prayer group of ladies praying for me.
I had never known how to reach out to someone experiencing a loss. Even experiencing it myself, I still don’t know how. Every one is different. When I wanted a hug one day, I would have cringed the next- wanting to move on with my life. A card in the mail would have brought thankful tears to my eyes one day and sorrow the next. The best thing was knowing that I was being lifted in prayer. No one had to find the right words and you knew that. I have healed, but I carry scars. It’s been almost a year… I would have been giving birth sometime this month to the first baby. Maybe that is why it is on my heart.
One thing I did for healing was to buy 2 pansy plants. I planted them in pots. Pansies are for remembrance. When the summer time comes, they will die but for the months I have had them, I have been given a reminder that one day we will be reunited once more.
For Mamas that are still healing and still trying to find peace, I am praying for each one of you. I am praying that the Lord, who is the Prince of Peace, will fill your heart with joy once more. I am praying that you are not alone during this time and that you will have someone to turned too.
The grass withers, the flower fades away, but the Word of the Lord shall stand forever. Isaiah 40:8
It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8